The Hidden Logic of Self-Sabotage
You sit down to work on your creative project—and suddenly feel the urge to clean the entire house. You’re offered an exciting opportunity—and talk yourself out of taking it. You finally start to feel close to someone—and pick a fight out of nowhere. Sound familiar?
On the surface, self-sabotage can look like procrastination, emotional volatility, or a fear of intimacy. At Rezak Therapy we don't characterize these patterns as bad or pathological. From a depth psychotherapy perspective, we see them as signals from within. Incorporating Internal Family Systems (IFS), we recognize parts of us that learned long ago how to survive. Our goal in personal growth therapy is to unwind old strategies that no longer serve us today. And it requires understanding about their origin.
What Is Self-Sabotage, Really?
From a psychodynamic and depth psychology perspective, self-sabotage isn’t random. It often arises from unconscious material. Humans relegate painful memories of unmet needs and relational wounds into the subconscious. We do this so that we don't have to live in emotional pain moment-to-moment, day-in and day-out. Despite being filed away, these memories remain present enough to shape our inner world. Since the connection to the old injury is not in conscious awareness, we often don't understand how or why.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
Let's consider Susan, who grew up in a home that appeared, and often felt, supportive and loving. Susan's mother held a respected public role in their community. As an adult, Susan can imagine the pressure her mother might have felt to maintain that status. She can even relate to working long hours, living with high stress, and a need to hold up appearances.
Susan might be confused by her inability to remember much about her young childhood. What she may not remember is her Mom losing patience with her abundant childhood energy. Or being scolded, or ignored, when making pleas for attention. These repetitive patterns of behavior need not be intentionally hurtful to impact a child's developing sense of self. Susan learned that love and attention are conditional, and not generated by “behaving like a child” while being a child. Striving-to-be-something-we-aren’t-in-order-to-be-loved can easily get lodged into a child’s psyche.
As Susan got older, she struggled to follow through and achieve her goals. She came to therapy confused by her pattern of self-sabotage. In depth psychotherapy we discovered that her challenge contained both fear of failure and fear of success.
Success in something that might not be "accepted" at home felt like disloyalty to the family. The inner dialogue hidden in the subconscious went something like this:
“Mom thinks artists are irresponsible and doomed to a life of poverty. I really feel called to express my feelings through painting. When I get asked to show my work in a gallery, Mom tells me not to quit my day job. If I have a great show, she'll believe I'm going to get false confidence and set myself up for a life of disappointment. If I have a horrible show, she'll think I'm going to fail. Either way I lose, so maybe it’s best if I don’t even try.”
Susan thinks it is destiny, or proof of her unworthiness, when she focuses on her partner's new business instead of finishing her paintings in time for the opening. Self-sabotage, then, becomes a form of psychological protection. It is a way Susan's psyche says: “Don’t go there. It’s not safe.”
The Artist’s Way: Resistance as Self-Protection
In The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron writes about self-sabotage as a kind of resistance, especially in the creative process. When we begin to move toward our true desires, she notes, we often encounter powerful internal pushback. This resistance can take many forms: missing appointments, getting sick, starting fights, forgetting to write.
Cameron sees these behaviors not as failures, but as signals of a deeper fear. To create—to truly express ourselves—requires vulnerability. It invites exposure, change, and potential rejection. Self-sabotage, then, can become a kind of “creative U-turn,” a way of avoiding the emotional risk of becoming who we truly are.
From Cameron’s lens, this resistance isn’t weakness. It’s the psyche’s way of protecting the most tender, imaginative parts of us. The task, she suggests, is not to banish the resistance—but to work gently alongside it. To keep showing up. To treat our creative life not as a performance, but as a sacred act of recovery.
The IFS View: It’s Not Just You—It’s Your Parts
In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we understand self-sabotage as the work of “parts”—subpersonalities within us that carry specific roles, burdens, and intentions. These parts are not bad. They are often protectors, doing their best to shield us from pain.
For example:
1. The Inner Critic. This part believes that if it’s harsh enough, it can prevent you from making mistakes, getting hurt, or being rejected. It might sabotage opportunities by convincing you you're not good enough or that you'll inevitably fail—so why even try?
2. The Avoider. Often rooted in past experiences of overwhelm or emotional pain, this part tries to keep you from getting too close to others or too emotionally exposed. It may lead to procrastination, conflict avoidance, or ending relationships prematurely to avoid perceived future harm.
3. The Perfectionist. This part strives to protect you from shame or failure by pushing you to perform flawlessly. Ironically, when perfection isn’t possible, it may trigger shutdown, burnout, or paralysis—sabotaging progress in the name of protection.
The brilliance of IFS is that it allows us to befriend these parts, rather than fight them. We learn to ask our parts: What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t sabotage this? What are you trying to protect me from? When we engage with these parts with curiosity instead of judgment, we can begin to understand their logic—and shift their behavior.
Self-Sabotage as a Trauma Response
Many self-sabotaging patterns trace back to trauma. Chronic misattunement, emotional neglect, or unpredictable environments may have taught us not to trust ourselves.
In personal growth therapy, we begin to see how self-sabotage emerges when we outgrow the narratives our nervous system is still holding. We begin to step into something new—love, success, visibility—and an internal alarm goes off. The body remembers what the mind forgot: that attention brought punishment, that joy was fleeting, that love was always tied to abandonment.
In this way, self-sabotage becomes a reenactment of old wounds. But it also holds the key to transformation—if we’re willing to listen.
Meeting the Saboteur with Compassion
The first step in changing self-sabotage is recognizing it. It's not just a frustrating behavior, but a sign that some part of us is scared or overwhelmed. We can begin by slowing down and gently asking:
What was I feeling right before I self-sabotaged?
What did that part of me believe was going to happen?
When have I felt this way before?
This kind of reflection invites not just insight, but compassion. It reminds us that every self-sabotaging part is a younger version of ourselves, trying to protect us using the only tools it knows.
In IFS, we might say: “I see you, I hear you, and I want to understand you. You don’t have to carry the burdens of the past.”
Depth Healing: It’s Not About Control—It’s About Connection
Changing self-sabotage isn’t about developing more discipline or grit. It’s about building a new relationship with the parts of us that are stuck in the past.
This is the work of depth therapy—going underneath the symptom to the root. Often, we find grief, longing, or terror that was never witnessed. And slowly, as those younger parts of us feel met and held, they begin to soften. They begin to trust. This trust often emerges through the therapeutic relationship itself. The personal growth therapist becomes a kind of earned secure attachment figure. Having someone who can hold the contradictions, the fears, the ambivalence gives the nervous system a new experience. In this space, the self-sabotaging parts are no longer exiled. They are welcomed home.
From Sabotage to Self-Leadership
As we deepen our relationship with our inner world, a new capacity begins to emerge. The Self is the part of us that is calm, curious, connected, and compassionate. When we lead from this place, we don’t need to exile or shame our parts. We can listen to them, care for them, and help them unburden.
And when we lead from Self, something profound shifts. Self-sabotage no longer runs our life. Instead, we become the leader of our internal system. We create space for courage, choice, and growth.
Gentle Steps Toward Change
If you recognize self-sabotage in your life, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’ve been surviving using strategies that may no longer serve you. And now, you’re being invited into a deeper kind of healing.
Some gentle ways to begin:
Journal from the voice of your sabotaging part. What is it afraid of? What does it need?
Practice self-compassion when you fall into old patterns. No shame, just curiosity.
Join The Artist’s Way Workshop and explore the ways resistance shows up in your creative or emotional life.
Work with a trauma-informed therapist who understands parts work and attachment wounding.
Visualize offering comfort or safety to the younger part of you that’s afraid of succeeding, connecting, or thriving.
When we begin to understand self-sabotage not as a flaw, but as a protective strategy born from earlier wounds, healing becomes possible. In depth-focused therapy for personal growth, you can build relationships with these parts. We'll help you listen to their fears, honor their roles, and gently help them release outdated burdens.
If you’re tired of getting in your own way but aren’t sure why it keeps happening, you’re not alone. We work with individuals navigating patterns of self-sabotage, inner conflict, and creative blocks, helping them uncover the deeper stories underneath.
You're welcome to reach out for a free 20-minute consultation to see if working together feels like a good fit. Healing begins with curiosity—and a safe space to explore what’s been protecting you all along.
