The Language of Trauma, Part 1: Early Relational Trauma
The Wounds That Form Before Words
We often associate the word trauma with dramatic or life-threatening events. Our scientific and psychological understanding of trauma has emerged over the years. Early psychologists believed trauma had to be overt and life-threatening to have an impact on an individual. We know today that some of the most profound and long-lasting wounds happen quietly. They often happen in the early years of life, long before we can speak or understand language. These are the wounds of early relational trauma—a kind of invisible pain that shapes how we see ourselves, others, and the world.
What Is Early Relational Trauma?
Early relational trauma refers to the disruption of safe, consistent, and attuned caregiving in a child's earliest developmental years. It refers to traumatic experiences that happens between birth and three years of age. This kind of trauma need not be overt abuse or neglect. It can happen when a caregiver is emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or mis-attuned to the child’s needs.
At this early stage of life, human infants are entirely dependent on our caregivers. In fact, humans at birth are among the most dependent of all newborn mammals. As infants we have survival needs, like warmth, shelter, and nutrition. Beyond these basic needs, we need caregivers to help us regulate our emotions, soothe our distress, and reflect our basic sense of worth. When those needs aren’t met, we develop deep internal wounds—often without any memory of what caused them.
As trauma expert Pia Mellody explains, trauma at this level results in a child internalizing the belief that their needs are shameful or too much. In other words, if my parent doesn't respond to me, there must be something wrong with me. These beliefs can follow us into adulthood, creating ongoing struggles with self-worth, boundaries, relationships, and emotional regulation.
A Psychological Look: Donald Kalsched’s Insights
Depth psychologist Donald Kalsched explores early trauma through the lens of the unconscious. In his work, he describes how, early relational trauma overwhelms a child’s psyche. The emotional pain they cannot process, creates inner protective defenses. These defenses may show up as dissociation, inner critics, or even fantasy worlds that help the child survive.
According to Kalsched, the child’s inner world becomes split between the vulnerable self (the part needing connection) and a protective inner system (which guards against further injury). These internal protectors serve a life-saving role early on. However, they often become barriers to intimacy, joy, and trust in adulthood.
Real-Life Examples of Early Relational Trauma
Early relational trauma isn’t always obvious. It can happen in families that look "normal" from the outside. Here are a few examples:
A baby cries again and again without anyone responding. This teaches them that their distress doesn't matter.
A parent is physically present but emotionally checked out due to depression or addiction.
A child receives love only when they perform, behave, or meet expectations, not simply for being themselves.
A caregiver is inconsistent—sometimes nurturing, sometimes rejecting—causing confusion and anxiety in the child.
These experiences might not seem traumatic in the traditional sense. Over time, they create a deep sense of unsafety, unworthiness, or emotional abandonment.
Signs and Symptoms in Adulthood
Because early relational trauma happens before language or conscious memory develops, its effects often show up later in subtle, confusing ways. Common signs include:
Chronic feelings of emptiness or worthlessness
Difficulty trusting others or feeling close in relationships
Intense fear of abandonment or rejection
Over-functioning (trying to earn love through doing) or under-functioning (feeling incapable or helpless)
Difficulty identifying or expressing emotions
Hyper-independence or extreme people-pleasing
Self-criticism and perfectionism
Addictions or compulsions to soothe emotional pain
If you experienced early relational trauma, you might sense something is “off,” but not know why. Many adults with early relational trauma say things like, “Nothing really bad happened to me, but I still feel broken or disconnected.” That’s why not comparing your trauma to others’ is crucial. Pia Mellody often emphasizes, “If it was traumatic for you, it was trauma.”
How Healing Happens
The good news is that healing from early relational trauma is absolutely possible. Because these wounds formed in relationship, they also heal through relationship. Safe, attuned, and consistent relationships have a profound impact. Here are five approaches that support healing:
1. Therapy with a Trauma-Informed or Depth-Oriented Therapist
Working with someone trained in early trauma (especially modalities like Inner Child work, Parts Work, or depth therapy) can help you explore the unconscious patterns formed in childhood. Depth psychotherapists hold space for your emotional experience in a way that repairs what was once missing.
2. Reparenting the Inner Child
This practice involves developing a nurturing relationship with your younger self. When we listen to the unmet needs of our inner children, we can offer comfort and provide what wasn’t given. In these types of approaches the adult self learns to set boundaries, regulate emotions, and provide internal safety for the inner child. Essentially the adult self learns to reparent the unmet needs of the child self.
3. Somatic (Body-Based) Therapies
Because early trauma is stored in the nervous system, talk therapy alone may not be enough. Somatic therapies like Somatic Experiencing, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, or Brainspotting can help you reconnect with your body and release long-held tension or dysregulation.
4. Attachment-Focused Work
Healing the attachment system often includes earning secure attachment through close, safe relationships. Therapies like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) are designed to support this.
5. Creative Expression and Symbolic Healing
Inspired by Jungian and depth psychological traditions, expressive tools like dreamwork, journaling, and art therapy help access unconscious material. Giving shape to feelings that may have never been verbalized can have a profound impact.
Additional Resources
If you want to begin exploring more about early relational trauma, here are a few powerful books that might be helpful:
Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody – foundational work on childhood trauma and recovery
The Inner World of Trauma by Donald Kalsched – explores unconscious defenses and symbolic healing
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk – a guide to how trauma lives in the body
The Effects of Early Relational Trauma on Right Brain Development, Affect Regulation and Infant Mental Health by Allen N. Schore – scientific research showing a clear link between early relational trauma and later emotional and psychological challenges
Final Thoughts
Early relational trauma may be invisible, but it is real—and it matters. These wounds formed before you had words. This is a development time when our bodies and brains are learning what it means to be alive, loved, and safe. If these early messages are inconsistent or painful, it’s not our fault. Exploration of our early relational experiences is the first step to begin healing.
As Donald Kalsched notes, the defenses we created to survive early pain are acts of creativity and resilience. And as Pia Mellody reminds us, healing begins when we stop minimizing our pain and start honoring our truth.
You are not broken. You are carrying pain that was never meant to be carried alone. And with the right support, you can come home to yourself—safe, whole, and fully aware of your worthiness of love.
At Rezak Therapy our trauma therapists have vast professional experience working with early relational trauma. We would love to chat with you to assess fit for our trauma therapy services. You are invited to learn more about approaches for healing trauma and to schedule a brief free consultation call.
