The Language of Trauma, Part 2: Understanding Attachment Trauma

In Part 2 of our blog series on trauma, we explore attachment trauma, closely related to early relational trauma (Part 1). As we’ve discussed, trauma doesn’t always come from obvious events. Sometimes it’s subtle, chronic, and woven into the earliest bonds we form. Attachment trauma arises when caregivers—those we depend on most—are emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or unsafe. These early disruptions shape how we understand love, trust, and our own worth.

What Is Attachment Trauma?

Attachment trauma stems from ruptures in early caregiving relationships. It occurs when a child’s emotional needs are unmet, dismissed, or manipulated. Over time, this affects the child’s ability to trust, feel secure, regulate emotions, and relate to others in healthy ways.

Psychiatrist John Bowlby and psychologist Mary Ainsworth developed Attachment Theory in the late 1960s. The theory explains how emotional bonds formed with our primary caregivers shape our development and relationships throughout life. When safety and responsiveness are part of these early bonds, we tend to develop secure attachment. When neglect, unpredictability, or fear, are present, we often develop insecure attachment styles as a survival strategy. Regardless, secure attachment can be earned through reparative relationships with friends, intimate partners, and therapists.

The Four Primary Attachment Styles

1. Secure Attachment. Comfortable with closeness, trust, and emotional expression. Formed when caregivers are consistently attuned and responsive.

2. Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment. Fearful of abandonment, craving closeness but often feeling insecure. Stems from inconsistent caregiving.

3. Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment. Self-reliant, emotionally distant, and uncomfortable with intimacy. Often develops when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or rejecting.

4. Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment. Torn between seeking connection and fearing it. Common in homes where caregivers were sources of both comfort and fear, such as in abusive or chaotic environments.

Earned Secure Attachment

The good news is that attachment patterns are not fixed. Through intentional healing work, many people who grew up with insecure attachment can develop what is called earned secure attachment. This occurs when someone works through attachment trauma—often with the support of therapy, safe relationships, and inner healing—and comes to experience emotional connection as safe, mutual, and trustworthy.

Earned secure attachment doesn’t mean your past disappears. It means you learn to respond to triggers with awareness instead of fear, create healthier boundaries, and form relationships rooted in security—even if you didn’t grow up with it.

Enmeshment and Emotional Disengagement

Two common and opposite dynamics that contribute to attachment trauma are enmeshment and emotional disengagement.

Enmeshment happens when healthy boundaries between parent and child are blurred or absent. The child may be treated like a surrogate partner, therapist, or emotional caretaker. Their autonomy is sacrificed for the parent’s emotional needs. This often leads to confusion about identity, guilt over independence, and difficulty setting boundaries later in life.

Emotional Disengagement (or emotional neglect) occurs when a caregiver is physically present but emotionally unresponsive. The child learns that their feelings, needs, or presence are not important. This often results in avoidant attachment patterns. These attachment wounds often cause adults to struggle with emotional expression or connection.

Both enmeshment and disengagement can be traumatic, even without overt abuse. They shape how a person learns to relate, love, and protect themselves in relationships.

Examples of Attachment Trauma

• A parent who offers love one day and withdraws the next

• Being dismissed or punished for expressing sadness or anger

• Growing up with emotionally immature or overwhelmed caregivers

• Feeling responsible for a parent’s happiness or emotional state

• Being praised only when performing or taking care of others

• Having no one notice when you were struggling emotionally

Common Signs of Attachment Trauma

• Fear of abandonment or rejection, even in safe relationships

• People-pleasing, perfectionism, or emotional over-functioning

• Avoiding intimacy or dismissing emotional needs

• Feeling “too much” or “not enough” in relationships

• Chronic anxiety in closeness or deep discomfort with vulnerability

• Repeating painful relationship patterns

• Feeling disconnected from your own needs or identity

Five Attachment Trauma Reflection Questions

1. Did I feel like I had to take care of others in my family to receive love or acceptance?

2. Was it safe to express emotions in my home growing up?

3. Do I often feel overwhelmed in close relationships—or terrified of losing them?

4. How do I respond when someone tries to get emotionally close to me?

5. What boundaries feel difficult for me to set or maintain?

Healing Modalities for Attachment Trauma

• Attachment-based therapy to safely explore and repair early relational wounds

• Internal Family Systems (IFS) to connect with protective and wounded parts of the self

• Brainspotting to release trauma stored in the body and nervous system

• Somatic therapy to build capacity for emotional regulation and connection

• Mindfulness and self-compassion to counter inner criticism and build safety from within

• Relational healing through secure, consistent therapeutic or personal relationships

• Journaling and psychoeducation to build awareness of patterns and develop new neuro-pathways

Additional Resources

• “Attached” by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller – Understanding adult attachment styles

• “Running on Empty” by Jonice Webb – Recognizing and healing emotional neglect

• “Polyvagal Theory in Therapy” by Deb Dana – How the nervous system shapes connection

• "Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners" by Kenneth M. Adams

Final Thoughts at Attachment Trauma

You didn’t choose your attachment wounds—but you can choose how you react to them getting triggered now. Healing begins with awareness and unfolds through compassionate relationship—with yourself and others.

At Rezak Therapy our trauma therapists approach therapy through an attachment lens. We would love to chat with you to assess fit for our trauma therapy services. Please check out our approaches for healing trauma and reach out if you'd like to schedule a free consultation call.