The Healing Power of Co-Regulation: How Connection Calms the Nervous System
The culture we live in celebrates independence and self-sufficiency. As such, we can forget one of the most essential truths of being human: we are wired for connection. Our nervous systems are not designed to self-soothe in isolation. From infancy through adulthood, we depend on safe, attuned relationships to help us regulate our emotions. There is no weakness or shame in needing other beings to help us settle our bodies and feel secure. This process is known as co-regulation. One of the most powerful tools in trauma therapy, co-regulation builds secure attachment and restores a sense of safety in the body.
What Is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation refers to the biological and emotional calming that happens in the presence of a regulated, caring other. When someone meets us with grounded presence, our nervous systems can shift out of survival mode. We can move out of fight, flight, or freeze and into a state of calm, connection, and safety.
Deb Dana, a licensed clinical social worker and leading voice in Polyvagal Theory, writes that “regulation is a shared experience, and our nervous systems are social systems.” Her work with Stephen Porges, the originator of Polyvagal Theory, is important to trauma therapists. Here's why. Dana describes that a ventral vagal state is the branch of the nervous system responsible for connection. She explains it through felt safety in relationship, rather than logic.
In other words, we don’t talk ourselves out of anxiety or fear—we experience safety in the presence of another who is regulated and attuned.
The Science Behind Co-Regulation
Polyvagal Theory helps us understand the physiological mechanisms behind co-regulation. According to Porges, our autonomic nervous system has three main branches:
Ventral vagal (safety, connection, rest)
Sympathetic (mobilization, fight or flight)
Dorsal vagal (shutdown, freeze, disconnection)
When we feel threatened—physically or emotionally—our nervous system shifts into one of these survival states. These are not choices; they are automatic, body-based responses. Trauma can keep us stuck in these protective states long after the danger has passed.
However, when we are in the presence of someone who feels safe and grounded our nervous system begins to co-regulate. We sense safety through eye contact, a soothing tone of voice, and open body language. Our heart rate slows, breathing deepens, muscles relax, and we feel more “at home” in our bodies.
This is why healing trauma cannot happen in isolation. As Bessel van der Kolk writes in The Body Keeps the Score, “Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health.”
Attachment and the Need for Connection
Co-regulation begins in early childhood, through the bond between caregiver and infant. When a parent responds consistently and warmly to their baby’s cries, the child learns that emotions are manageable and that relationships are safe. This sets the stage for secure attachment, the foundation for healthy emotional development.
But many of us didn’t grow up with this kind of attunement. If our caregivers were emotionally unavailable, overwhelmed, or unpredictable, we may have developed insecure attachment patterns. These anxious-, avoidant-, or disorganized-attachment styles in childhood shape how we relate to others as adults.
Anxious attachment might lead us to fear abandonment and seek constant reassurance.
Avoidant attachment can cause us to suppress emotional needs and avoid intimacy.
Disorganized attachment often involves a mix of both.
These patterns affect how we give and receive co-regulation. If we’ve learned that others are unsafe or unreliable, we may have trouble trusting connection. This can get in the way of satisfying a deep craving for it. Luckily attachment patterns are not fixed. In trauma therapy, we can gain what is called earned secure attachment. Experiencing consistent, attuned relationships in adulthood allows us to rewire our nervous systems. Then we can experience co-regulation in ways we never could before.
Trauma Lives in the Body
According to Gabor Maté, trauma is not just what happens to us. He explains it’s what happens inside us as a result of overwhelming experiences we couldn’t process or escape. Trauma becomes embedded in the nervous system. Stuck there, it shapes our responses to stress, intimacy, and even pleasure.
Because trauma is stored in the body, healing must involve the body. Talk therapy alone often isn’t enough to resolve deep-seated patterns of fear, shutdown, or hypervigilance. Somatic therapies help us access and release the survival energy trapped in our tissues and nerves.
But somatic healing is most effective in relationship. As van der Kolk emphasizes, “Trauma is about a loss of connection—to ourselves, to our bodies, to others. Healing is about restoring that connection.”
Co-Regulation in Practice
You’ve likely experienced co-regulation without realizing it:
A friend places a steady hand on your back during a hard moment.
A loved one’s calm tone helps you slow your breath after a panic attack.
Sitting beside someone who feels safe helps you feel more grounded, even in silence.
Therapists, partners, friends, and even pets can offer co-regulation. The key is presence, attunement, and nervous system safety. In therapy, co-regulation is a foundational part of the work. A trauma-informed therapist pays attention to their own regulation in session. They offer a consistent calm presence that helps clients feel safe enough to explore painful experiences.
In romantic relationships, co-regulation looks like turning toward each other in moments of stress rather than withdrawing or escalating. It’s pausing before reacting, offering eye contact, or gently checking in: “I’m here with you. What do you need right now?”
For parents, it means staying as calm and grounded as possible when your child is dysregulated. Know that your nervous system is the most powerful tool you have for calming theirs.
From Co-Regulation to Self-Regulation
While co-regulation is essential, it doesn’t mean we are helpless without others. Over time, repeated experiences of co-regulation help us build internal regulation. The calm we once needed from someone else becomes something we can generate from within. But we don’t get there by pushing ourselves to be “independent.” We get there through relational safety.
“We don’t self-regulate until we are co-regulated. Regulation is a two-person experience before it becomes a solo skill.”
When our nervous system feels safe, we’re more open, curious, and compassionate. We can think clearly, connect authentically, and enjoy life more fully. Co-regulation is not just a therapeutic tool—it’s a daily practice of relational healing.
We heal in connection. We regulate together. And in doing so, we reclaim the birthright of safety, presence, and belonging.
Interested in learning how co-regulation can support your healing? At Rezak Therapy in Pasadena, California we offer trauma-informed therapy grounded in relational safety. Schedule a free consultation to see how we can support you on your path to healing.
Start Addressing Your Dysregulation With Trauma Therapy in Pasadena, CA
Take the first step toward healing by exploring trauma therapy in Pasadena, CA. Personalized attunement with a skilled trauma therapist at Rezak Therapy, can help you uncover a path to emotional freedom. Don't let trauma control your life. Follow these three simple steps to begin addressing your trauma:
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if Trauma Therapy is right for you.
Begin meeting with a skilled trauma therapist.
Learn to co-regulate and then self-regulate your traumatic triggers.
Other Services Offered at Rezak Therapy in Pasadena, CA
At Rezak Therapy, we're here to help you align with your most authentic self. In addition to healing from trauma somatically, our approaches include talk therapy and depth therapy. We also offer services for those struggling with post-traumatic stress, couples looking to increase intimacy in their relationships, and The Artists Way Workshop which is a 12-week adventure of artistic discovery and personal exploration. Our services are available both in-person in Pasadena and online for clients in Los Angeles and throughout California. For more on trauma therapy and our other services check out our blog.
